Who even needs to leak details to People Magazine when you can just invite Howard Stern to your wedding and have him spread all of the details on his show? That’s exactly what happened. And I actually believe Stern’s version of events so much more than the information provided by unnamed sources to People. On his show on Monday, Stern basically had a checklist of all of the information he was going to confirm, clarify or deny about Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux’s wedding. Some highlights:
Stern knew ahead of time about the secret wedding: “I was so nervous. They’re so secretive, those two.” He said he prepared his toast in advance and he did not toast with Robert Downey Jr because RDJ wasn’t there.
How Stern feels about Justin: “I’m very friendly with Justin. I like him very much…I really admire him. I even said in my speech to them that if one of my daughters brought home a guy like Justin, I’d be very pleased. Except for the s–tty tattoos, ’cause he’s got some f–king weird ones. And except for the fact that I gave him a journal to draw in and he draws pictures of dead zombie babies with blood dripping out their head on every almost page. I said, ‘Those two things might disturb me.’ But aside from that…”
Stern hated the backless chairs & lack of cell phones: “They had these little tiny chairs. There was a table, and then you sit down and the chairs were like poufs, like little pillow poufs. I’m 6-foot-f–king-5! I’m a grown man! Why can’t I have my cell phone? I don’t want to take a picture of you two! I really don’t. I want my cell phone so after I make this speech I can call my car and get the f–k outta here! People were laughing at my misery. I had such a bad attitude. I was wrecked. When I went to their wedding, I felt like…death.”
Terry Richardson was the only photographer allowed: “The irony is, I’ve been on vacation with those two, and they take pictures every f–king minute! They’re constantly shooting pictures. But if I take a picture, I’m committing a sin! This whole…It was always called a birthday party. Whenever you got an e-mail, it was a birthday party. They’re so secretive that they even had the wedding on a Wednesday because nobody gets married on a Wednesday.”
What Stern’s speech entailed: “I talked about some personal stuff, too. I complimented Justin’s mother on raising such a wonderful son. I love him. I told Jennifer that she deserved a guy like this, because after all, she’s been very sweet and generous with us. But Justin and his body—his abs, his ass—look at him! I’m giddy over him! Although Orlando Bloom blows him away.”
Stern didn’t know who Orlando Bloom was: “This really handsome guy is sitting next to me at the table. This f–king guy. He’s, like, better looking than Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise all rolled into one. So, I’m sitting and talking to this guy—interesting dude. We’re hitting it off and talking for a long time. I said, ‘What is your name?’ He says, ‘Orlando.’ He’s a nice guy. He’s so handsome. I said to him at one point, ‘This must be tough for you to be at this wedding. You haven’t gotten laid or gotten a b–w job in a half an hour. You must be used to getting f–ked every 15 minutes.’ He said, ‘You know, you’re right.’ I said to Whitney Cummings, ‘Would you take Orlando somewhere and b–w him?’ And she said, ‘OK!’ And she lifted up her dress. It was very funny.”
Jimmy Kimmel officiated the wedding ceremony: “He did a beautiful job. I didn’t think he’d get through it. Jimmy’s still depressed about that lion getting killed over in Africa.”
Stern said that Ellen DeGeneres yelled at him for laughing at Kimmel’s tears, but Stern yelled at her right back because he has a house full of rescue cats and he takes animal stuff seriously. I would totally watch that: Ellen and Howard yelling at each other about cats in the middle of a wedding. What else? Stern says that he danced his first dance with Orlando Bloom and “Orlando grabbed me so tight I thought my bones were going to break.” Stern has a bro-crush on Orlando, although I think it was a total burn for Orly’s film career that Stern had no idea who he was.
Obviously, the most interesting stuff to me was Stern’s information about Justin. Justin is a weird guy with weird tattoos and he loves to draw crazy dead babies because OMG, is he 14 years old?!
PS… the NYDN says People Magazine “got screwed” with their Jennifer Aniston-wedding coverage. People has been boot-licking for Aniston for years and media insiders are laughing about the fact that Aniston didn’t give People Mag anything really.
Photos courtesy of WENN.
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